It’s here. IT IS HERE. I am officially 40. I used to only think only old people were 40. If you asked me 10 months ago how I felt about turning 40, I was in a complete state of panic and basically thought I should start scouting a Senior Living Center somewhere. I mean, I have always felt youthful…up until this. Isn’t it interesting how one number can change how I feel? I mean, I am still the same fun, full of life and energy person here. I still run all the time, I am still completely silly, I am still ME. Not much different from who I was at 39…or even 35 for that matter. So maybe pump the breaks on feeling like I have one foot in the grave and just LIVE!
Crossing this milestone seems pretty big. As I reflect back on the last 20 years, I find myself wanting to write a letter to the 20-year-old-Pearl. I understand time travel isn’t an option here, and for good reason. How would you ever really learn life lessons if you didn’t fall and have to pick yourself up a few times. But, if I could, I would say this:
Dear 20-year-old-Pearl,
It is December 1999, and you are finishing up medic training with the Air Force at Scott Air Force Base. You aren’t going to learn what you really want to do for another few years. Spoiler alert: this whole medic thing will not pan out. Face it, you don’t love it, you can’t stand touching other people’s bodily fluids, and you keep hiding out drawing pictures over actually working. Stop doing things to try to impress your mom. You could literally walk on water and she will still not want to be a part of your life. One day, when you are close to 40, you will realize that you no longer crave her approval. You will stop longing for her to say she’s proud of you. You will learn that you being proud of yourself is what really matters.
Many people are going to come and go. Only certain people will be meant to stay on your path for the long haul. Don’t be too sad when people exit. Their path isn’t meant to stay course with your path.
When people show you who they are, believe them. You can never ever change someone. Like ever. EVER, EVER, EVER. You are not God, and you are certainly not a magician. It will take you a good 4 years of a very bad relationship to learn this. You are who you are, and they are who they are. Sure, they may give you glimpses of hope of the person you want them to be. But deep down, they are always going to be who they are. You have to know when to just walk away no matter how much it hurts. The right person is waiting for you. The person who you “spark” with. The person who makes life easy and fun. The “ONE”.
Here’s another thing. You cannot control what happens to you. Trust me, a lot of things you don’t like will happen. But, the thing you can control is YOU. You get to decide how you will react. You also get to decide how you are going to feel. Because ultimately you are in the driver seat of YOUR life. This is one of my biggest life lessons. I am still not perfect, there are still days where I will let my guard down and let someone control how I feel. But playing the victim constantly is draining. Instead be your own hero. Be the person you need. Learn to love yourself and treat yourself with compassion.
Returning to UMKC for a BSA in Graphic Design and Photography is one of the better decisions you will make. I mean, it will only take you about 35 different lame jobs to figure that out. Going back to school will redirect the course you were on and lead you down the path you are meant to take. This will be the first time you will be exposed to doing work you are completely passionate about. Work that lights you up and feeds your soul.
Listen to your intuition and never give up on your idea of a happily ever after. There will be a very cute guy in your Air Guard squadron. Whatever you do….TALK TO HIM ASAP! Don’t wait 2 years of crushing on him before you finally build up your courage. Running away from him anytime he comes into the room is definitely not a good indicator that you are into him.
Once you finally do talk to that amazing guy, your life will completely change. You will marry him and have two insanely wonderful kids. You will also discover that you have more of an entrepreneur personality and find starting a photography business to be the best professional decision you make. You will love getting to be creative, building so many great relationships, going to places you never would get to normally, and even working side by side with your hubby at times!
20-year-old-Pearl, there are so many more little lessons I could teach you. I mean, I do have 20 more years on you here! And no offense, but I really don’t envy you. I don’t ever want to go back to being 20. Or really 30 for that matter. I love exactly where I am at! So, you see, you have so much to learn and so much to look forward to.
I am going to end here.
Love,
40-year-old-Pearl
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